Remus Lupin Doesn't Like Cats
by blissedoutvixen
Summary: Remus' one flaw is not lycanthropy. The fact that he's a werewolf is fine, but the fact that he doesn't like adorable little kittens? WHAT? This oneshot is harmless blather, rated for Sirius' mouth.


_AN: Little nugget that got stuck in my mind last night. Wrote it in about a half hour. It's not smut, but Sirius is in it, so I inevitably used the F-word. So stick around folks, and find out if I ever post a story rated less than M. Probably not…Also, I think it'd be hilarious if Remus hated cats. I just do._

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><p>Sirius cuddled the striped, gray kitty-cat under his chin, holding up one of the creature's oversized paws and forcing it to wave to a stone faced Remus. Neither party, the kitten nor Remus, seemed pleased with this development.<p>

"Aw, Remy, come on," Sirius cried, shoving the cat forward into the other man's face. "He's so fuckin' cute!"

Remus sighed, and pushed the cat away from him. This was simply not the kind of pussy he wanted near his face, he thought with a wistful glance in the direction of Hermione. Now _that_ he definitely wouldn't mind. Crookshanks had died a few months past, and the young woman now felt ready to adopt a new feline companion. Crippled by his affections for her, Remus had agreed, misguidedly, to accompany Hermione to the menagerie in Diagon Alley in order to pick out a new kitten. Sirius, with his incessant need to be involved in absolutely everything, had attached himself to the expedition and was now shoving a cat in his face. Fantastic, Remus thought cynically.

"Look at the face, Moony, look at the face! How can you not love the face?" Sirius was saying, continuing to thrust the mewling, gray little creature upon him.

Hermione, who was playing with a nearby calico with mischievous, brown eyes, giggled and tickled the cat under his chin. She had charmed her blue cardigan and flowing white skirt to repel cat hair before the trip, and was looking, in Remus' opinion, carefree and beautiful. She had really blossomed after the war, despite their losses. Why, oh why, did the girl he liked have to be a _cat person_, of all things, Remus wondered sullenly, staring disdainfully around the cat section of the store. This did not bode well for him. He was a decidedly canine man.

"Sirius, you're making a spectacle of yourself," he said now. "I think you're in danger of losing your man card."

Sirius scoffed. "Pfft, that thing is locked up. Unlike you, I'm secure enough in my masculinity to make an arse out of myself over an adorable kitty cat. Not feeling so secure in your own manhood, eh Remus?" Sirius suggested slyly, nuzzling the kitten in his arms with a ridiculously big grin on his face. Honestly, it was as if he had been presented with a large chocolate bar or something…

"Wouldn't you just like to know the state of my manhood, you ponce?" Remus ribbed good naturedly. "But no, I am perfectly secure in my masculinity, I'll have you know. I just happen not to like cats. No offense, Hermione."

"Oh, none taken," she said, greatly enjoying Sirius and Remus' little spat. They were such a crack up when they bickered, like an old married couple really, and Remus was particularly adorable when he got all uptight like this. Hermione blushed at the thought and quickly resumed her perusal of the kittens.

"Oooh, defensive," Sirius was saying. "Don't you think he sounds defensive, Hermione?"

"I really couldn't say," Hermione replied archly with a noncommittal smile, before bending to pick up a ginger tabby. On second thought, she replaced the cat in his glass cage. She didn't really think she would be able to get anything ginger. That would be too much like trying to replace Crooks. She really did miss him, the wily devil. She smiled a soft, sad smile in remembrance, not noticing the way Remus' eyes flicked across her perky, little bum when she bent over to redeposit the tabby in his pen. Sirius certainly noticed though, and he glanced at Remus, smirking as if to say 'I saw that, and yes, I will most definitely take the mickey out on you for it later'. Remus rolled his eyes.

"I am not defensive," he protested futilely, glaring at Sirius, who now had a shit eating grin on his face. "I'm just more of a dog person-" Sirius opened his mouth, "Except, of course, when it comes to you." Remus finished with a satisfied smirk of his own, which, for some reason, made Hermione's stomach skip.

"Oi!" cried Sirius, pretending to be vastly wounded, clutching at his heart dramatically before straightening up and punching Remus in the shoulder. Remus simply chuckled. Hermione giggled, leaning into Remus' side, clutching at his arm and giggling helplessly into him. Remus' own stomach skipped and his breathing sped up as Hermione continued to lean against him in her mirth. Finally turning away from him, but still holding onto his arm and giggling residually, much to Remus' delight, Hermione picked up a small, pure white cat.

"What shall I call her?" she asked the two men.

Remus narrowed his eyes at the future bane of his existence. "How about Moonlight?"

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><p><strong><span>Serious AN:<span>_Please pray for the people of Syria, or if religion is not your bag, which I get, send your love, peace, and good thoughts to them. The situation is disgusting and absolutely heartbreaking. Innocent people, women, children, civilians, are being slaughtered in the streets every day, massacred by their own government. I've been crying and praying all week, and I'm not a religious person. It's just such a heartbreaking situation. Such disgusting, senseless, violence is going on, and the world is just watching. I know we are only a few people, but our hopes (and prayers for some of us) are with you Syria. So please send your love to them, and pray if that's your thing. Peace and love to all, thank you._ **


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